The ‘Boy Mum’ phenomenon is a complicated one. When I found out that I was due to have a baby boy in the summer of 2018, I had mixed feelings. I was overjoyed, of course, that my long-awaited IVF baby was healthy and that I was going to be a mother. But a boy? As a female-centric person with very few male friends, it wasn’t an area I was altogether familiar with.
That said, the thought of raising a boy of my own felt like a huge challenge that I was keen to take on. I vowed never to tell my son he couldn’t cry or utter clichés like ‘boys will be boys’ in response to bad behaviour. Most vitally, he’d be raised to know how to look after himself rather than hoping a good woman would come along and take care of him after he left me. I also knew it was important that my husband modelled the behaviour I wanted my son to exhibit, such as taking on household chores equally.
Fast forward to 2023, and I now have a second little boy. Both of my sons seem to have boundless energy, very loud voices, and a constant need for physical affection. They can also be incredibly naughty and boisterous, and I apologise a lot to innocent bystanders at the park or when we’re eating out. It’s surprised me how challenging I’ve found their behaviour at times, and I’m still working out the best approach. But while the daily challenge of raising them correctly only seems to get harder, I’ll admit, my love for them is unwavering. “You’re in love with those boys,” my mum joked recently. "I’d be no different if they were girls," I replied. "I just really, really love them."
The phenomenon of the ‘Boy Mum’ has recently gone viral on TikTok and Instagram. Reels such as those shared by @lifeofnamz, poke fun at mothers who dote and spoil their sons while treating them in a toxic way that’s different from their female siblings. “Mothers, we’ve got to protect our boys,” she says in a parody post. “Forget about our daughters. Don’t worry about them. They’ll be fine. But our sons, our boys. They just need a little bit more love and affection.”
He's dating her? Apparently — and everyone can relax.
While the video is largely in jest, it’s true that there are mums who seem to idolise their sons and see their love as somehow superior to that of a daughter. Strangely, many of them seem to advertise the fact on TikTok. Take a recent reel shared by @hampsonfamily that shows the mother receiving kisses from her two sons and partner. The caption reads “Do you know moms that have boys is because God wanted them to experience true love.” One disgruntled follower replied, “Hmmmm pretty sure daughters show just as much true love as boys.” Another writes, “This is why my mom will never love me as much as my brother.”
Enter the hashtag #BoyMum and you’ll find many, many more examples of gushing posts from love-sick mothers relishing in their very special role. Some even celebrate the fact that they are their son’s first love, and even first kiss.
But away from the sensationalist world of social media, is there any proof to support the critiques of 'Boy Mums' favouring sons and raising their little men differently to girls? Or is this just a hideously outdated concept that most modern mothers are trying to stamp out?
“Men’s behaviour has often been dismissed as their mother’s fault…”
While the evidence is limited, a study undertaken by parenting website Netmums in 2010 showed some interesting findings. The survey, which involved 2,500 women, revealed that although almost one-half of mothers said that while they know it’s wrong to treat boys and girls differently, almost 90% confessed to doing so. The study also showed that mothers were twice as likely to be more critical of their daughters than their sons. Half also said they felt a stronger tie to their son than their daughter.
But what exactly are the consequences of such attitudes? “If a son is brought up being treated as extraordinarily special, with few boundaries and limits, he is more likely to develop a sense of entitlement,” Dr Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, elaborates. “This attitude can manifest as expecting undue attention and love in intimate relationships, potentially leading to challenges in maintaining reciprocal and balanced relationships. At first glance, this entitlement can appear as misogyny. However, it’s more rooted in narcissism.”
Another study from 2007 that looked at the long-term impact of parents' gender-typed expectations for their children showed that these early expectations were highly related to the actual jobs the children chose as adults. “This indicates that mothers and fathers may have different expectations for sons compared to daughters, which in turn influences their career choices later in life,” explains Bayu Prihandito, a certified Psychology Expert and Life Coach.
Dr Touroni says that while these kinds of dynamics still exist today, the way a mother treats her son isn’t black and white. It largely depends on a mother’s own personal history, including the relationship she has with her own mother. “For instance, a woman who had a close bond with her mother might develop a similarly close relationship with her daughter,” Dr Touroni says. “On the other hand, if the relationship with her mother was more complex, she might form a closer bond with a child of the opposite sex." Societal factors, like the perceived “status" of having a male child, can also influence these dynamics.
‘You carried a baby for 9 months, gave birth, and will be responsible for that child for the rest of your life,’ Dr Charlotte Proudman wrote.
Dreizen Howell, a New York-based mother of two sons aged seven and ten, says that she works hard on raising her boys to be well-rounded, kind, and empathetic people. As such, she believes the stereotype of the ‘Boy Mum’ to be completely outdated. “As far as the boy-mom concept, I see my role in this world as their guide to help them become adults, with a knowledge of the world, compassion, communication, and relationship building,” she says. “My job is not to be my sons' first loves, as I hope they always love me, and have always invested time and energy into getting to know my kids as the people they are! I want nothing more than for my sons to grow up and have healthy and fulfilling relationships with friends and partners."
Likewise, Beth Booker has two sons aged five and eight. She says that while life with boys can be chaotic, it’s not too dissimilar to the experience of her friends with daughters. “Boy Mom culture is painted with absolute chaos, where little boys are messy, loud, and unruly. While I can vouch that my boys are equally wild and wonderful, my friends who have daughters share the same experience I do,” she confesses. “The challenges of raising tiny humans are relatively universal regardless of your child’s gender – peeing into the toilet and not on the floor notwithstanding."
“When a boy misbehaves, it's as if people think the mother didn't read her job correctly. It's a form of societal gaslighting that's been going on for ages.”
“Men’s behaviour has often been dismissed as their mother’s fault,” adds Zahra Hunton, a mother of two boys. Hunton says she believes the expectations of men has changed over the last 20 years making the ‘Boy Mum’ label increasingly unfair. “I think historically some mothers may have treated their sons differently purely down to them thinking they’ll meet a nice woman who’ll take care of them."
With her own sons, Hunton says she places a lot of emphasis on them being kind individuals who have respect for others and themselves. But she admits that it’s hard to get it right all of the time. “I don’t go as far as to say, ‘boys will be boys’ but I am guilty of sometimes using their gender as a get-out clause for when they are being loud and refusing to sit down in a restaurant,” she says.
But as Prihandito explains, it’s not for a mother to constantly apologise or justify the behaviour of her sons. Like any child, male or female, a parent can only do so much, and the person they become as teenagers and adults, is a lot to do with their individual personality and other influences in their lives.
“Our society assumes that mothers have an innate ability to shape and correct their children's behaviour, almost like they're born with a natural instinct of how to raise the perfect kids,” says Prihandito. “When a boy misbehaves, it's as if people think the mother didn't read her job correctly. It's a form of societal gaslighting that's been going on for ages."
In a world where misogynists like Andrew Tate have infiltrated the minds and opinions of millions of men and boys via social media, can a mother only do so much when it comes to raising kind, empathetic men who view women as equals? Let’s not forget that a man’s influence — whether that be a father figure, teacher, or coach — is incredibly powerful. So, isn’t it about time we started holding them equally to account for how today’s young men are shaped?
