I have been a wheelchair user for practically all my life, and I started using a ventilator around the age of 13 years old. I didn’t know what self-love was – let alone have any time for it – until I was about 21. When I was still in education, especially during my school years, I would simply go to school and come back home again. Every day was the same, and nothing changed; nothing was different.
Being Disabled during my primary school years wasn’t bad; things just kind of plodded along. However, there were a couple of awful incidents when I moved on to secondary school. One time during a lesson, a boy asked loudly about how I bathe, and I just wanted the ground to open and swallow me up. All that unwanted attention being focused on me, and my obvious Disability, was incredibly embarrassing; I just wanted to disappear.
"Decisions about me and my life were often made by other people, even down to the clothes I wore, which were picked out for me."
Another time, a boy called me the ‘R-word' in school, not to my face, but to one of my best friends. I’d only managed to find out when she had told our other mutual friend what had been said about me. That was the first time the realisation struck me, ‘Boys simply do not like me.’ I had to go home, and I cried to my dad and my granny. My dad sent a letter to the school about what had happened, and we don’t believe it was handled in the best way. Essentially, they then spoke to everyone who was there to find out exactly what the boy said. Of course, this just meant that the thing escalated and became bigger, and the story was spread even wider, and everyone at school knew. Even though I did experience some difficult things during my years at secondary school, I was lucky enough to meet my two best friends, Amy and Anna, and we’re still best friends today.
Being Disabled, a lot of my life has been quite medicalised, and there has been little that I’ve had control over. Decisions about me and my life were often made by, and in consultation with, other people, even down to the clothes I wore, which were picked out for me.
It wasn’t until one of my very first shopping trips with my grandma, Carmen, that I was given an opportunity to make this choice for myself. When I was 11 or 12, she put some money in my hand and told me to choose what I wanted. This was time I spent bonding with my grandma, but it was also an opportunity, finally, for me to express myself through what I wore.
Clothes are not only fun for me, but they’re an area in my life over which I also have control. Building outfits and looks and putting different pieces together had absolutely nothing to do with my Disability or hospital appointments. I have always wanted to use my clothes and fashion to stand out. When you are Disabled, it’s like people only know you for your Disability.
It wasn’t until I left education that I began to treat myself to shopping sprees and trips outside of Leeds, where I live. It was during a trip down to London with one of my best friends from school that I did a massive shop at Missguided. I got reposted by the brand, and it kind of sparked my social media following.
"Clothes are not only fun for me; they’re an area in my life over which I also have control."
So far, the media attention from mainstream media has been positive. I have been able to educate and engage people with not only my specific Disability but what it is like to be Disabled generally. A couple of months ago, I had a live TV experience on the Channel 4 programme Steph’s Packed Lunch. It was a friendly environment, and it was so nice having my dad in the background there to support me, as well.
On the other hand, it has been a mixed bag with social media. With millions of views on my TikTok account, it gave me an insight into how genuinely bold some people can be to people who look like me. At times, it can be rather cruel, to the point where I even received a death threat. This was completely different to the loving upbringing that I had. Thankfully on my Instagram account, it is much more supportive and a really affirming space with my followers checking in on me, making sure that I am OK and feeling that sense of community as well. It’s something that I really value and don’t know what I would do without it.
This all happened while we were going through the lockdown, and many Covid-19 restrictions were still in place. Once restrictions started easing, I had the chance to meet some of the community I’d been a part of online and we’ve been able to attend events together, such as the Purple Goat party and the Scope Awards.
I have had many meaningful relationships in my life that have positively impacted me, such as my family and friends. One of my best friends will be getting married in a couple of years and throughout the planning of the occasion she’s making sure that it is accessible, and I will be able to celebrate her fully on her big day. That means so much to me, as I often miss out on things because they are inaccessible. Having a friend that is checking everything, even down to getting me a corsage so that I would have flowers on my hand. It just showed me a different and new way of being loved and considered.
I have a good and continuing relationship with two former carers, Lucy and Megan, who introduced me to the world of the body positivity movement. They helped teach me how to love not only myself, but my body, as well. Whenever they used to come on shift, we would say three things that we loved about ourselves. The more we did it, the more things were added to the list. If you hear something repeated enough, you will start to believe it. So, I am glad and grateful to them for ensuring that I heard so much positivity about myself and that I was able to start giving that to myself.
Getting validation from others made it easier for me to validate and adore myself. As I was getting more into the world of fashion and finding things that looked good on me, the more that list grew. My self-expression through the clothes I wear is just another way for me to show love to myself and to my body. Being in my early twenties and having had loving talks with others and with myself, my confidence grew, and I thought less about the people that didn’t fancy me and more about the fact that I don’t need anyone. Then my boyfriend came along!
During my time in secondary school and college, I realised that I wasn't the kind of person that people fancied; I was just not seen as attractive to people.
As a Disabled woman, I never really thought that I would be able to experience a romantic kind of love in my life. My relationship with my very first boyfriend, Hassan, allowed me to feel a different kind of love. As he was Disabled as well, it meant we could have conversations about that part of myself that he kind of understood. Talking about what I am doing with my online presence and how important it is. It was a truly important and fulfilling relationship for me, but unfortunately, he passed away a few months ago. I try not to cry when I think about him, but I am grateful that I was able to spend time with him.
We met at a children’s hospice when I was around 12 and developed a friendship. We began dating a few years later. Sadly, as soon as we had moved our relationship a bit further, the pandemic hit and everything was on lockdown, which meant we weren't able to see one another. As with most people, we kept in touch through video chats and messaging. It wasn't easy having my first relationship because I was so excited, but we were not able to see each other for a year.
“As a Disabled woman, I never really thought that I would be able to experience a romantic kind of love in my life.”
I know that it sounds incredibly cliché – sometimes clichés are true – but it really does get better. Having done what I have done and knowing what I know now, I can say that my life has got better since enduring some of the awful words said to me during my younger years. I've had the opportunity to do things that I never imagined possible but had always wanted: from doing modelling shoots and being interviewed to spending time with my cute boyfriend, who loved me very much.
Everything can seem very dramatic and like it is the end of the world when you are younger, but I am thankful that my love of fashion, makeup and beauty has allowed me to create the life I always wanted to live. While it is not always easy doing what I do, especially considering my Disability, I do know that it's important that younger Disabled people see someone like me, with my wheelchair and ventilator, being able to do fashion shows and being on the cover of magazines.
Through different conversations that I have had with my dad, I know that being a Disabled person means that I will have to fight to break down barriers, whether that is getting care, getting my own place or getting a job. But what I have learned through this fighting is that it is worth it to be able to do what I want, how I want to do it.
When I think of self-love and what that means to me and what that looks like in my life, it is the love and appreciation that I get and feel from others that helps ground me in love and appreciation for myself.
Love from my family, love from my close friends and the love that I could enjoy with Hassan. This isn’t something that I came to by myself out of nowhere; it is the love that has been shown to me throughout my life.
Before being on social media, before I had started modelling and being interviewed by mainstream media, I was enveloped in care, understanding and love. It is what encourages me to continue doing what I do. Having that foundation has enabled me to be able to continue this journey because I know how truly important and impactful it is. I am excited to do more things like this, being able to live my life out loud. Wear clothes, my hair and makeup that are all ‘out loud’. I know that I have a solid base and community that will always have me and hold me.
Journalist: Jumoke Abdullahi
Photographer: Aitken Jolly
Stylist: Michelle Duguid
Hair: Lauraine Bailey
Makeup: Sarah Jagger
Manicure: Danni O'Mahoney
Beauty Director: Camilla Kay
Design Director: Dennis Lye
Entertainment Director: Emily Maddick
Production: Dalia Nassimi
Creative Video Producer: Chrissie Moncrieffe
Purpose Editor: Lucy Morgan
