Dating is really, really hard: this is a fact I’m sure most single people can agree on. While going on dates and meeting new people can be full of joy, it’s also pretty draining, and the series of bad dates myself and my friends have gone on are unfortunately full of horror stories.
And lately, I’ve noticed a pattern when recounting said horror stories from my own dating life: they pretty much all include incidents where men have commented on my body, diet or exercise regime. Which led me to ask: when did this become OK?
To give some context, I have to share a little about my own journey with my body. Growing up, I was very naturally slim, wearing a UK size 6. I never really questioned my relationship with my body or with food until a little later in life, when I hit my mid-twenties. This is when I saw my body change most; I developed curves in places I never had before, and found my old clothes no longer fit.
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I am now a healthy and happy size 10-12, but over the years I have had to relearn how to love my body in its new form (and unlearn much of the diet culture-fuelled narrative our generation was plagued with growing up). I’ve been on a journey to embrace my new hip dips and belly, which included following a bunch of body positive content creators and drilling the message into myself that putting on weight is not ‘bad,’ and my body is strong and beautiful.
And although I feel body confident most days, I still have my moments of self-loathing and insecurity, perpetuated by impossible modern day body standards and toxic scrolling through Instagram. Because of this, it can be a sensitive subject to me, and any negative comments about my body can feel triggering.
Unfortunately, those comments roll in more often than you’d think on the dating scene. And as someone who dates both men and women, I have to say it’s something I’ve exclusively experienced with men.
The first time I encountered this was during the first sexual experience I’d had following the breakup of my most serious relationship to date.
Sleeping with someone after being in a long relationship is by nature, daunting. It can feel overwhelming and a little intimidating to let someone new see you in such an intimate light, which is why I was especially horrified when, post-sex, he said to me: ‘aww, your belly is so cute,’ in an icky, condescending tone, while poking the little layer of fat around my midriff.
Then there was the time I went on a Hinge date during a solo trip in New York and my suitor decided to berate me for eating ‘too much bread’ when I told him what I’d been up to on my first full day in the city (as a big foodie, this pretty much exclusively involved walking from bakery to bakery). ‘But I guess it’s ok,’ he added, ‘seeing as you’re an avid spin bike user.’ Yuck.
Speaking of unsolicited dietary commentary, one man I had been seeing for a couple of weeks also shared his ‘expert’ advice the morning after he stayed over for the first time, stating I shouldn’t have a fruit smoothie for breakfast because ‘it’s full of sugar,’ and isn’t a ‘good’ food choice.
And why it's no bad thing.
The guy I was dating earlier this year also felt it was his place to ask me how much I weighed on one of our first encounters, under the guise of professional curiosity (he worked as a social media fitness coach). When I didn’t tell him, he guessed.
These may all seem like little things, but lumped together over time, and said to a woman who has in the past struggled with disordered eating and body acceptance, you can see why they got to me so much.
Unfortunately, I’m not the only one to experience this type of treatment during dates, either; women of all body types seem to be familiar with the unsolicited commentary. Kaytlyn Briegge, a body confidence content creator, explained that “men have had the audacity in the past to act like dating me was an act of kindness.”
“They would say things such as ‘I’ve never been with a big girl before,’” she continued. “Men thought because I was larger I was less worthy. They never thought someone that looked like me should think I was such a prize.”
So why do some men think it’s appropriate to offer these unsolicited comments or nuggets of offensive ‘advice’? Millennial dating coach Hayley Quinn has some ideas.
“A small subsection of the insecure men in the world will subscribe to dating advice which encourages ‘negging,’” she begins. “This is essentially bringing a woman you're attracted to down a peg or two in order to make her interested in you.”
Outside of insecure egos, Quinn says that other reasons could include “crude attempts to be playful, which totally miss the mark,” along with not understanding social cues: “Some neurodiverse men may inadvertently ask detailed questions (such as your weight) or make an utterance (like laughing at what feels like a strange moment).”
Reasons aside, being on the receiving end of comments such as this can feel unnerving, upsetting and disarming in a dating or intimate situation. And knowing how to respond can be confusing.
“The modern dating scene is a scary place for heterosexual women.”
For me, this kind of behaviour has become a huge red flag I refuse to ignore going forward. No matter how well a date or relationship is going, a comment about my weight or diet in the early stages of dating is enough to give me the terminal ick. I’ve also learnt the importance of speaking up and holding the person accountable, if it feels safe to do so.
“If someone doesn't help you to feel more secure, more grounded and more comfortable within your own skin, then they're probably not one of the many right people for you,” agrees Quinn. The right person will instead make you feel valued and worthy, and will like you for you as a person, not for your body type.
Ultimately, what these experiences have taught me most is that building up my own body confidence and loving my body no matter what is what’s most crucial here. It means never being dependent on the validation of outside parties, and if and when negative statements do come, they can no longer touch you. That’s what I’m working on, so stuff like this can no longer trigger me.
What to do if your date makes you feel uncomfortable about your body
I spoke to clinical psychologist Dr Alexis Conason, author of The Diet Free Revolution, about how to respond if you experience comments about your body or diet while dating.
- Speak up: 'If a date makes inappropriate comments or does anything else that makes you feel uncomfortable, you can let them know that’s not okay. It may mean setting firm boundaries “please don’t comment on my body again” or just getting up and leaving the date.'
- Do not take comments personally: 'So often, we can blame ourselves for their unwelcome commentary on our bodies. Remember that those comments belong to your date and are not a commentary on your value or self-worth. Try to be compassionate towards yourself in these moments and think about what you need to best care for yourself.'
- Lean on your support system: 'It may be helpful to vent to a friend who “gets it” or go and do something fun to experience a pleasurable distraction from your experience.'
- And remember... 'if a date comments on your body, that’s a problem with your date, not your body!'
