You've probably heard of the ‘let them theory’. When US podcast host Mel Robbins posted about the mindset hack on her Instagram, the video went stratospheric, with over 20 million views, 1.5 million likes, and tens of thousands of comments. But why?
“If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you're attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them,” Mel says in the clip. “So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.”
Mel notes that the technique is particularly relevant to those whose partner, date or friend is not showing up the way they want them to: “'Do not try to force them to change; let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them – and then you get to choose what you do next.”
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So, essentially, it's about acknowledging that we can't control other people, and letting go of the expectations we force on those closest to us. Thousands of commenters claim that this theory of simply letting others be has transformed their relationships and made for a comfortable, argument-free partnership. But what about building a strong sense of communication with our loved ones? Should we not be allowed to speak our needs without letting people walk all over us? We spoke to Dr Sophie Mort, clinical psychologist and mental health expert at Headspace, to dig deeper into the viral mindset hack.
“We often feel the urge to control or persuade people to be who we want them to be, in part because we think that is the right thing to do, and in part because we want to manage our own anxiety and uncertainty that arises around other people's behaviour,” says Dr Mort.
“The issue is, when we try to shape other people’s behaviour, we often end up disappointed, frustrated and exhausted. We lose sight of our own lives, and what we can actually control. This technique proposes that by letting things and people be, we can find peace and freedom, whilst improving the quality of our relationships.”
This explains A LOT.
According to Dr Mort, this is particularly useful if you're dating and trying to decide if someone is right for you, or if you're having doubts about your current relationship. “Allowing people to behave in a way that’s natural to them gives you a chance to see who they really are (rather than who you want them to be, expect them to be, or who you think they may be),” she explains. “When you try to police your date or partner's behaviour, you'll never know whether they're treating you well out of affection for you, or because you're making them act a certain way. So letting people do things without responding or interfering can quickly show you which relationships you might need to walk away from.”
This can also improve relationships by creating an environment of acceptance, which means “our relationships improve as the people around us feel truly seen and accepted just as they are.”
While Dr Mort acknowledges that the ‘let them theory’ isn't a clinically recognised term, it is closely aligned the well-researched and widely accepted ideas of “acceptance, detachment, mindfulness and personal responsibility”, particularly acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), a form of psychotherapy which helps you accept your thoughts and feelings without judgement.
But is this really different to simply pushing our own feelings aside and pretending everything is OK when it's not?
“Letting other people do their thing does not then mean allowing them to treat you badly,” explains Dr Mort. “It means observing what they are doing, how they are doing it, and why they might be doing it. Then it means asking yourself what you need, what you think and how you will need to advocate for yourself.”
This isn't exactly the easiest thing to imagine, so to help us contextualise, Dr Mort gives the example of a friend or partner who is constantly undermining you – this could be seemingly ‘harmless’ jokes at your expense, but that actually hurt your feelings, or often contradicting you in. front of friends or family.
“Observing what they are doing does not then mean allowing them to continue to do this; that is the opposite of personal responsibility,” she says. “Do not just ‘let them’ cross your boundary over and over again. Observe their behaviour and speak to them about what you need – remembering that people may change their behaviour in response to feedback – but if someone constantly hurts you and is not changing despite you asking, it may be time for you to walk away from them and let them be who they are – just not in your life.”
Why I’m tired of unsolicited observations and ‘advice’ on first dates.
Here are Dr Mort's other top tips for implementing the ‘let them theory’ in your relationships:
- Set up a routine mindfulness practice: This should include observing your patterns (whenever you want to step in and change another person's behaviour), accepting and allowing whatever is happening (both in your mind and their behaviour), and letting go. The most effective way to do this is through mindfulness practices, which when practised daily, can help acceptance become second nature. Try the “Letting Go” and “Accept and Allow” exercises in the Headspace app.
- Understand that we cannot control others' behaviour, and that we do not want to. But we can take responsibility for our own actions instead: For example, if you notice you often feel irked by your friend's life choices, simply notice these judgments, and say ‘let them do it their way’. Get curious about why you want to tell people how to live their lives. Is it that you are a perfectionist, and when things aren’t perfect, it makes you anxious? Is it that, early on, you learned ‘love’ involves telling people how best to do things? Decide to work on this instead of those around you. Yes, they may make mistakes, but they're allowed to – and we often do our best learning when we are allowed to do so.
- Practice listening skills: Let's say you have the tendency to “rescue” and fix everyone else's problems. If a friend is upset, you rush in, trying to sort everything. This can sometimes create more tension if the other person simply wanted to express how they feel. In these scenarios, say “let them express how they feel”, notice the urge to take control, mindfully let that feeling go without acting upon it, and instead sit with them, and be guided by them. This may sound small, but it can be extremely challenging for “rescuers” to do this, but it can have profound effects on relationships as each party feels allowed to express themselves, supported to be themselves.
